The Baby Files
by ItsMeHumphrey
Summary: Our faithful Devil Hunter recieves a small 'suprise' on his doorstep...
1. Chapter 1

**The Baby Files.**

**Author's Note: **_"I always thought to myself. What would happen if Dante had to take care of a baby? This would. Inspired by various cartoons, and the classical film 'Two men and a baby'._

**~Silver**

**Chapter 1**

**Surprise on the doorstep.**

It was a cool Saturday morning, all was well in Devil May Cry, no demons were spotted, so Dante could chill and relax, on the negative side, Dante has not that much money, as he has to owe Lady, pay rent, and city damages.

Since the Temen-ni-gru had collapsed, a lot of commotion was in the city limits, everyone whispering what was that thing? Who could've raised it? What is it used for? Is it a new shopping mall?

Dante got sick of hearing about it. It had just dawned him, that he hadn't got his newspaper yet, so he got up from his chair and walked up to his double door. As soon as he opened the door he saw something which shocked him...

-

It was a small, petite baby. It looked like a boy since it is wrapped in blue. His eyes glow as they were blue too. He looked innocent. Who could've left him there?

Dante looked at the baby for about a minute and a half. He was skeptical, after all he's been through nothing seems normal anymore.

_'It's just a kid! Stop acting so stupid!' _That line never really did work for Dante, as he has the brains the size of a peanut. He gently, picked up the basket and took him inside.

_'Where do I put him?' _Dante asked himself, he scanned the room to look for a suitable place to place a baby. But all seemed to have girl posters, beer, pizza, magazines, Cd's. He sighed and placed him on the cleanest thing in there: on the desk. As soon as he turned his back, the baby started wailing and crying and screaming.

_'I knew it! It's a demon!' _Dante started saying in his head, he went upstairs to get Ebony and Ivory, he rifled through his things quickly. As soon as he found them, the baby stopped.

_'Did it run out of fuel?' _Dante asked himself, he kept the guns close to him. As he crept downstairs, he saw a woman, cradling the baby close to her. He smirked, he knew exactly who it was.

"Hey Lady, missed me already?"

"Oh please... who's kid is this? Yours?"

"Are you kidding?! That's a demon!"

"What?"

"It screamed! It totally screamed! Like it wanted to kill me!"

"Dante... it was crying..."

"Are you sure?"

"I'm... sure."

"What was that pause before the 'sure' part.... do you think I'm an **idiot**?!"

"...What was your first clue?"

"Hate you Lady."

"So who's kid is this?"

"I don't know. Found him on my doorstep."

"Oh..."

"**Oh? Oh?! What's the oh for?!**" Dante said, flailing his arms around. "**You think, it's mine?!**"

"No! No, no! Of course not!"

"**'Cause I can prove it's not mine!.... Okay I can't... but I swear it's not mine!**"

"I believe you."

"Good! Don't scare me like that!"

The baby started to go 'goo-goo-ga-ga' Dante nearly made a hole in the wall as he started.

"What's the devil doing now?!"

"Nothing!" Lady said to him, "And will you stop calling him a 'devil'!"

"Sorry. So who's gonna take care of him?"

With that, Lady had ran out the door. Dante cursed her out of his mind, then he looked at the baby. He knows this is going to be a long day....

_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

**A/N: KK, First Chapter, please review if anything is wrong, if you want more than tell me.**

**Next Chapter: Play Father. **

**~Silver**


	2. Chapter 2 Play Father

**Chapter 2**

**Play Father.**

The baby just kept looking at him. Dante kept gazing at him every 5 minutes to make sure it wont climb out the window. Dante felt tense every time the baby would make a sound or yawn or basically move.

_'Why is this damn kid staring at me?!' _Dante thought to himself.

The baby started to cry, a sharp wailing sound that can send even the most powerful demon back to hell. Dante got scared, he thought the baby read his mind. He tried to calm him down, so far no good.

"Ssh, I'm sorry! I didn't mean it! Please stop crying!" Dante started yelling and screaming, making the baby cry more. Dante tried to grab the baby and sway it side to side, it looked like he was chainsaw frenzy, it made the baby vomit all over his floor. "Crap!" He yelled. The baby cried more, Dante decided maybe swaying him, wasn't such a good idea. What to do?!

Dante didn't know the first step on taking care of kids. He wanted to be distant from them, he was still a teenager, who knows what people may think if they see him walking around with what they call a 'bundle of joy'. Dante didn't know what mothers were thinking, pushing the kid out, then the crying, the vomiting, the... what was that smell?!.

Dante held the baby further away from him, he still didn't know what was making a smell.

_'What the hell stinks?' _Dante said, he sniffed his armpits and tried to sniff the vomit, it was defiantly not the vomit, as this smell was like a gas bomb. He then made his eyes go wide. He smelled the baby, as soon as he got a whiff of him, Dante passed out on the floor. The baby was on him, squishing his nose and laughing,

the baby started clapping his hands together.

After 10 minutes, Dante regained consciousness, the smell was worse now! The baby was sitting far away from Dante playing with ebony. _'Dear Lucifer! That baby nearly killed me with it's smell. How do I make it go away!' _Dante opened up the windows, letting some air in, but sadly for Dante the only air that was coming in was the gas from nearby cars, the sound of construction was heard and the worst of all the smell of garbage coming from the nearby dumpsters came in the mix. _'Dang It!' _Dante yelled mentally. The baby kept on laughing. Dante hurried and closed all the windows. _'I need an air freshener bomb! Dang this baby knows how to play rough! What's next?!'. _

He remembered that across his street lived an old lady with a hot daughter, but her daughter is in rehab, go figure. He could go and ask her how to make the smell go away. Dante looked at the kid, now he had to device a plan of how to carry the baby without smelling like the baby. How to do it?

_'The construction workers got gloves!' _Dante looked at the baby, _'Meh, he'll be fine.' _Dante ran out and went round his shop to the construction workers. It took him three hours to beg for someone to give them his hats and gloves.

"Alright! Alright! Here!" A male construction workers said and shoved his hat and gloves onto Dante's chest.

"Thanks man! I owe you one!" yelled Dante.

"Yeah, whatever, get the hell out of my sight!" Dante left hurriedly and after the few minutes he left.

"What did the guy want?" another construction worker asked.

"A hat and some gloves."

"Did you give him any"

"I gave him the ones that fell in mud when I was coming up here. They stunk up my car."

"You're evil." Both men started laughing imagining the look on the guy's face when he put on the smelly equipment.

Dante came back to his shop. And he was shocked, the baby... managed to turn his shop upside down, weapons were scattered across the floor, records out of their cases and are everywhere on the floor too, Dante moved a bit and cracked his favorite record. _'How did he do this?! I was gone for like a minute!' _He thought loudly to himself.

Dante put on the gloves till he realized something... he smells worse than the baby!.

'_Dang those workers!' _He mentally started killing them in his mind. No matter now. He picked up the baby and went across the street. He knocked on the old woman's door and she answered with a loving smile.

"Dante... Hello! Beatrice isn't here so go away." the old woman warned him.

"I'm not here for her... though, give her my regards." Dante said and winked at the woman. She just huffed.

"I have a problem..."

"Oh Dante... is it a medical problem?"

"No!"

"Then what is it?"

"Just a while ago, someone left a baby on my doorstep."

"Oh Dante..." the woman started.

"It's not mine! Why does everybody think that?!"

"It's kind of easy. What's your problem then?"

"Smell him!" He said and pointed the baby's bottom at her nose. She nearly gagged at the smell.

"Oh my!.. You have to change his diaper." she said while blocking her nose.

"His what?"

"His diaper." He gave her a confused look. "...Those puffy things the babies wear." She told him.

"Oh yeah! Well.. what's wrong with the one he is wearing?" She gave him an are-you-serious look.

"I'm actually asking."

"....it's dirty! Do you have diapers."

"Do I look like the guy who would have diapers in his home?!"

"Okay, then go buy some."

"What about the kid?" he asked her.

"Take him with you."

"No way! Can't you keep him?"

"...I'm afraid not." she said.

"It's the smell right? I left him alone for like a minute and he tore up my shop, everything is on the floor."

"You never leave a baby on his own!"

"I know that now!"

"Well.. I'm sorry, he can't be on his own... you have no other choice." She said.

"What am I going to carry him in?"

"I have Beatrice's old pram if you want it?" she asked him

"Sure!" he said happily.

"Dante... I think you should shower too, you smell!"

"That's the gloves..."

"Why are you wearing smelly gloves?"

"...I didn't wanna touch the kid."

"Right."

The old woman stalked off and went inside a small room, she pulled the pram away from the dust and cobwebs and dusted it carefully. She gave it Dante and put the baby in.

"Dante wait!" she yelled.

"What?!"

"You _have _to strap him in!"

"How the hell do I do that?!"

She showed him how, he then accidentally tied him in too tight. Causing the baby to cry and whine, she loosened it a bit then Dante tried and he did it perfectly. He sighed and looked at her.

"Are you _sure _you can't keep him?" he asked her.

"I'm sure."

"But..." he started.

"No!"

"Alright, Alright. Then can you show me how to change the... thing."

"Of course."

"See ya."

"Goodbye Dante."

He sighed and started pushing the pram forward, the smell still lingered in the air, and Dante was ready to vomit too. He decided not to breathe too deep. He received a lot of stares from random people whom he walked past. Some knew him and shook their heads in a disapproving manner. He sighed loudly and tried his best to ignore him.

He stopped in front of the supermarket. He still can't believe he was playing father to this kid. He sighed a very long sigh and walked in.

**A/N: Well, Chapter 2 is where things get funny! I'm still imagining Dante trying to take care of the baby LOL! Mean construction workers! XD. **

**Next Chapter: Supermarkets and more crying. **


	3. Supermarkets and more crying

**Chapter 3**

**Supermarkets and more crying.**

The door swung open, Dante looked around and saw a lot of people shopping for their daily needs. And here is himself, shopping for a baby. Can this get any worse? The smell was the first to 'upgrade'.

"This is embarrassing..." Dante said to himself, he pushed the buggy inside, where the place was air conditioned, he felt cold, he should've worn a shirt. He kept steering the baby and then he had a problem, he didn't know where he needed to go.

"Damn, the only time I come in here is for beer, where the hell is the baby department?" Dante asked himself.

He saw a nice young girl, he eyed her and thought it would be the perfect time to get a date, he's got a baby so the whole sensitivity crap should work. He arranged his hair and strolled on by next to the girl, she had blond hair and sparkling green eyes, and she was hot.

"Excuse me Miss?" He said in his most 'grown up' voice.

"Yes? Ahw, who is this cute little guy?" She said as she noticed the baby, the baby just pouted. Dante laughed and said.

"Isn't he a little rascal! I need to know where the baby department is."

"Oh, so that is what stinks. He is so cute!" She said, she started telling him the directions to the baby department.

"So, want to get a drink later on?"

"I would _love _too!" She started and they were laughing and talking, soon after the baby grabbed a hold of her skirt and pulled it down with one strong force. The woman shrieked and slapped Dante.

"Wait it wasn't me it was the kid!" he yelled, she didn't listen she pulled up her skirt and ran off.

"You mean man!" She yelled.

"Nice going kid! I could've had some fun! But _no_ you just had to be like that!" He growled at him, the kid started to well up, he was a baby he didn't know better. The baby started crying, wailing and screaming, a lot of people's attention went to the two, Dante felt hot in his cheeks. A lot of people had those disapproving looks and started whispering to each other, some even yelled.

"You monster!" Random people started yelling.

"Oh _you're _good." Dante whispered to the baby. The scary thing was that the baby looked like he was smirking at our devil boy. "Okay, stop crying now, ssh, please stop!" Dante continued to whisper to the kid. He stopped after Dante picked him up and started swaying him -gently- to the side. The kid had a wicked glare in his eyes, Dante ignored that, he just wanted to get the hell out of there.

"Come on you little monster." He said to the baby and they walked off, still the people had disapproving looks, one girl threw a pineapple at Dante's back. "Ow! Who the hell did that?!" He yelled and turned around. Everyone looked 'busy' doing something else. "...people." he said in disgust to himself.

He twisted his ways through aisle's and was growing impatient, this baby department was way far off, why couldn't he just dump the kid in an orphanage. He can't handle this!

Finally, he made his way to the damn baby aisle. "Finally! I thought I'd never get here!" He said, the baby aisle smelled like a day old carrot. He tired not to breathe in too deep, any more of these smells and he'll be suffocated. He picked out a couple of diapers and got back to the check out, the people still kept giving him evil gazes, he got nervous when people kept looking at him.

"That will be $25.55" The counter woman said.

"Dang." Dante said in astonishment, he whipped out his wallet and realized he had no money.

"Sir?"

He had to think, he grabbed the baby and the diapers and ran like hell.

"Security!" the woman said on the intercom, the security ran out like bats from hell, Dante kept running with the baby laughing in the wind. He finally found someplace to hide in a small alley way. He stayed there till the cops passed him. The baby continued to giggle hysterically. Dante smiled a bit, then he shut the baby up because the cop were now going back to the supermarket.

"I think we lost him..." Said the cop to his friend.

"I think so."

"Want to go get some dough nuts?"

"I'm game!"

Dante nearly burst out laughing at the cops discussion. The baby smiled, Dante checked to see if the coast is clear, no cops in sight, no one from the shopping mall. He went out, as if he just casually came from the shop, holding the diapers in one hand and the baby in the other. He ran home, the baby still smelling like garbage. He knocked hardly on the old woman's door. And she opened it with one rough swing.

"What?!" The old woman yelled.

"Ooh, mind your temper. I'm back, help me change his diaper."

"Fine, come in."

As soon as the diaper was off, Dante passed out -again- on the floor for about 10 minutes. The woman was worried that his drinking caught up to him. He soon regain his conciseness and smelt the air, it was clean he can breathe again!

"Hey! You fixed him!" Said Dante

"Did you see anything? Because I am not going to do this again."

"No, Passed out when you opened the diaper." Dante replied to her.

"Dante..."

"Look! It can't be that hard!"

"Really? You think so? What the safety pin for?" She asked him.

"Err, it's for... to pin the diaper together?"

"Well, it's close." The lady said.

"Don't worry, I'm sure I'll get it, I mean it's not like he is going to do it every hour of the day."

20 diapers later.

"I hate this kid." Dante said after throwing out another diaper.

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

**A/N: Okay, long chapter. Funny Dante, he robbed a supermarket, next chapter:**

**Midnight Feedings. Poor Dante**

**~Silver**


	4. Midnight Feedings

**Chapter 4**

**Midnight Feedings. **

**Author's Note: **_"Everyone seems to like this story, I am so happy! I'm glad you enjoy it. And thanks to DevilWriterN, my writing is getting better and better. So enjoy this chapter!" _

**~Silver.**

* * *

**Midnight Feedings.**

Since Devil May Cry didn't have that much rooms, he thought the baby should stay in his room, plus he didn't want the other room destroyed as well, the kid was really ruining his life, maybe thats why he chose not to have kids in the near future. First, he pulled down that lovely girl's skirt, and then messed up his shop.

As soon as he had laid down on his bed, the baby started crying -again-. Dante was getting sick of this, he had already thought about sending flyer's or a stupid pigeon, just to get the word out if someone lost a baby.

The baby would keep on crying if no one went to check it! Dante groaned and got up, threw the sheets off him, went and walked noisily and angrily down the hall.

"What?!" he yelled at the baby, which -of course- made him cry even more. "Dang, I should know that babies hate to be yelled at. Okay, I'm sorry..."

The baby stopped as soon as Dante, gently, swayed him side to side. The baby looked innocent, but Dante still wanted to get rid of him.

'_Was that it? What did it want? Babies are more confusing than women!_' thought Dante to himself. He flipped the baby over to check if he needs a nappy change, he looked fine and smelt fine. Plus, he just changed his diaper!

He thought a little bit what the old woman had told him:

"_Dante when babies cry, it is only two things, nappy change and food. Think you can remember that?" The old woman said as she sat down on her couch. _

"_It's only two things right? So what do babies eat?" _

"_Baby food of course!" _

"_Great... I don't have any..." Dante said. _

"_You don't? Didn't you pick some up while you were at the supermarket." _

"_Hehe, funny story about that, you're gonna laugh!" Dante said nervously._

"_Am I?" She said in a warning type of voice._

"_Okay, truth is, I kinda... stole the diapers." _

"_And by 'kinda' you mean?" She asked._

"_I ran like hell." _

"_Dante! You can't steal diapers! Didn't you have any money on you?!" She said yelling._

"_Why the hell do you think I ran like hell?! For exercise?!" He yelled back to her._

"_Well then... go to another supermarket and pick up some food." _

"_With this little monster?! No way! He can just starve!" _

"_Dante!" She yelled. _

"_Fine!" Dante said, he picked up the baby, and strapped him in tightly. He then briskly, walked out and went for the door, not after stealing $30 dollars from the woman. _

"_Dante..." She said warningly. _

"_No worries, I'll pay you back..." _

"_Alright." _

"_Sucker..." Dante said as he was outside. _

Dante looked at the kid, he knew that if he didn't need a nappy change, he needs to eat, something Dante was very fond of. He wrapped him gently round his arms and went downstairs. "Come on you little monster."

Dante went in the kitchen and poked his head in the fridge, he whipped out a jar of baby food, he placed the kid on the table and gave him the jar, The baby didn't know what to do with it, he just stared at it, then at Dante.

"What? Don't you know how to eat?" He asked him. "Oh, I see." Dante said again, he went near the baby and unscrewed the jar, placed one had over the round metal object and tried to unscrew it, but it was too tight. He gave it with all his best force, he then tried again, with more strength. The lid, flew off, with great speed, hit the ceiling, then bounced off and hit the lamp, then bounced off it and flew out the closed window, the glass splattered everywhere as a distant car alarm can be heard. The baby just laughed as Dante kept looking out the window wide eyed. "You didn't _see _anything. Got it?" He told the baby who was now playing with the spoon.

Dante rolled his eyes and placed the jar in front of the baby, the baby started banging his spoon on the jar. Dante just looked at him confused. "Oh!" Dante realized that the baby didn't know how to eat. He tried to take the spoon away from the kid, but he just held it close like a blanket. "Now, now, give Dante the spoon." Dante said to him, the baby kept squeezing it tight to his chest. "Give me the spoon!" Dante yelled losing all patience, he grabbed the spoon and started to tug at it, the baby tugged back. Dante and the baby are now locked in the most deadly battles of all- tug of war.

Dante successfully pulled the spoon away from the baby, but send Dante to roll backwards and hit the wall which caused three or four pictures to fall and break on his head. The baby laughed hysterically at our devil hunter, who is now steaming. "It's not funny! Let's see how you like it when I roll you huh!?" The baby started crying again. "Please, stop crying." He begged the baby.

It took Dante and hour, half of it which took to calm the baby down, then he put him to bed, which after three hours he started crying, more breaking windows with flying lids and more nappy changing. Now he knows why someone left this kid on his doorstep, he was freakin' impossible to take care of.

The next day, Dante called up Lady who helped him make the flyers. Tomorrow they shall start the flyer sticking, he just hoped that someone will call for him.

* * *

**Author's Note: And chapter 4 finished! Wow, took Dante long enough to realize that babies have no clue what to do with a spoon and a jar of food. **

**Next Chapter: Flying Flyers. **

**~Silver. **


	5. Flying Flyers

**

* * *

**

Chapter 5

**Flying Flyer's.**

**A/N: **_"Okay, the story is attracting a lot of attention, I am quite happy :), thank you all of you. Enjoy this chapter." _

**~Silver.**

* * *

**Flying Flyer's**

It was 6:00 am in the morning, Dante had black circles around his eyes, he was tired and moody, even the smallest thing can set him off in this state. Lady was coming over today, he was glad to put Plan A to action.

The baby was fast asleep in the buggy. He was relieved that the kid was asleep. It took him three hours to send him to sleep. He was scared that even the slightest of loud sounds can wake him up.

Lady walked right up to Devil May Cry, creaking the double doors open, then seeing Dante running for the door, nearly crashing through them, he grabbed the handle doors and checked the baby, it was still fast asleep, he counted his blessings.

"_Don't make too much noise!_" Dante hissed to her.

"_Sorry!_" She hissed back.

"_Did you get the flyer thingeys?_" Dante asked.

"_Yeah, can we please stop talking like this._"

"_Do you wanna spend another three freakin' hours calming him down?!_"

"_No._" She told him.

"_Then shut up!_"

Lady and Dante, went out with the baby round the city, posting up flyers in every place, bars, strip clubs, super markets, day cares, walls, alleys. Anywhere for people to see it, if he had some extra money he'd buy a blimp! Soon after...

One of the flyers hit Dante straight in the face. The baby was tossing them out from the bag, making them fly around. "Lady!" Dante yelled.

"What?!"

"The flyers! Lady help me catch them!" Dante yelled, running around in a circle, the wind kept puffing the papers away, making them scatter into the streets. Dante ran after them like a moron, Lady kept looking at the baby, who was strangely looking at her and smirking. She felt a shudder creep up her back.

Dante kept running like a moron, the paper kept flying as he kept jumping for them, then, they arrived to the docks....

"No! No! Nooooo!" Dante yelled as the flyers flew out into the ocean.

He felt like crying now, the flyers were no more. He just strolled back to the lamp post were Lady and the kid were waiting for him.

"I lost them." He said, "Lady, that's it, you _have _to take him, I don't know how to."

"No! How about you take a parenting class?"

He thought about it for a moment, parenting class? Maybe... he could meet some hot chicks there. Plus it would be good to know how to feed him properly without having to shove the spoon in his mouth like last night. He'll do it!

"Fine."

* * *

**A/N: Mwhahaah! **

**Madness to come!**

**Next Chapter: Learning and losing. **


	6. Learning and Losing

**Chapter 6**

**Learning and Losing.**

**Author's Note: **_"Wow, everyone is enjoying this story. It is an honor! A lot of people had some ideas, some of them are almost on the nail, but I don't want to reveal anything so all of you can have fun reading this story, without knowing, who or whom this baby is or belongs to. _**_DevilWriterN _**_had told me an idea and I loved it, It will feature in the next chapter._

_Please, listen to this, if you are under the age of 12, please any chapter with this sign on it: (T). Please, skip. It is not serious I just don't feel comfortable if kids under that age should be reading a T rated Story! T means Teen if you don't know, but if you like breaking the rules, go ahead, just leave my name out of it, It is your responsibility. Thank you._

_Two Chapter Dedications: _**_DevilWriterN, _**_you deserve it since you put up with me._

_Anyway on with the show...!_

**~Silver.**

**(T)**

* * *

**Learning and Losing.**

The next day, Dante spent hours searching for a parenting class, he found one he likes, Heaven's Angels. Something at first he was skeptical of. But hey, it was for the kids sake!

The shop smelt, Dante missed it's original smell, of pizza and beers, now it smelt off diapers and throw up, he missed being …. him.

The baby kept playing with random objects, Dante didn't care what they were, but he stored away his weapons just in case the baby accidentally blow it's own brains out. The baby started to waddle it's way to the old pizza box in the room, Dante looked at him, he was scared, not if the baby will fall or anything, but scared that he might damage the pizza.

"Hey, Kid, stay away from that." Dante ordered the kid, "Since this class has women in it, I'm gonna look my best." Dante said, he put on a red buttoned shirt, and black leather pants. "So? How do I look?" Dante said and presented himself to the baby. The baby looked at him and laughed. Dante took that as an 'You look so awesome!' "I'm glad you like it. Now, come on!" He said, and whipped the baby and took him in his arms, he walked up to the doors of Devil May Cry, opened them gently and walked to the parenting class.

He walked in the parenting class, it was a big room, with white walls, and a pink mat in the middle. Feeling chipper, inside, there were millions, okay maybe 10 or 15, women. He felt like jumping for joy.

"_This is what I'm talking about kid!" _he whispered to the child. The kid just, well, he seemed to roll his eyes.

"Excuse me, Mr?" A young, woman came to him.

"Mr, whoa, babe, no need to be formal, call me Dante."

"Okay, but, what are you doing here?"

"What does it look like sweet cheeks? I got a kid, this is a parenting class, I'm here to learn!"

"But this is...." She started but he soon went and walked over to the mat.

Dante sat down next to a blond and a red head. He felt as if he was in heaven.

"Well, hello ladies. Today, we have, a... new student." She said, as if she was unsure what she is saying. "Okay, so, does anyone remember what we learned yesterday?" Some ladies shot up their hands, while balancing the baby in the other. "Yes, Chaira."

"We learned of how to burp our baby."

"Burp? What they don't know how to do it by themselves?" Dante said out loud, which caused a lot of women to stare at him. "What?" He holds up the kid. "Is your kind that lazy?" The baby kept staring at him, then started to struggle, it seemed he didn't want to be here. "Stop, geez kid, stay cool."

"Kid? You didn't name your child yet?" The woman asked.

He felt nervous with a lot of girls staring at him. He thought of the best way out is-lie.

"What? No, no... I gave the kid a name his name is..." Dante looked at the kid, what was suitable for him?

"Leon. Yeah.. that's it, Leon."

"Okay, women.... and men. Today, we shall be learning the basics of breast feeding."

"_The what?!" _Dante whispered to himself. He can tell the woman felt hot as she said that, she was actually thinking what a man was doing here in the first place.

"To breast feed, you must. Make your baby latch on, there, now you are all doing it!"

Dante couldn't help but stare at all the woman, breast feeding their child, he felt hot and embarrassed.

The woman went to help another woman, lifting the babies head to position it, so it ca latch, Dante was now, totally wide eyed, couldn't stop staring.

"What're you staring at?!" A woman yelled at Dante.

"Nothing, nothing!" Dante said, flailing his hands round like he was landing planes.

The woman turned her gaze back to the baby. "Kid, you can forget about me doing..._that_" Dante said to the baby without looking at him. Dante then turned his head round, and saw that the baby was loose! The door was wide open and the baby must've crawled out while Dante was staring at the women breast feeding.

"Kid? Kid? OH CRAP!" Dante yelled, causing a lot of women to gasp, Dante ran outside, almost making the door fall out of it's hinges, he then started running down the stairs like a maniac, knocking almost every teacher there was.

"Watch your step sonny!" An old teacher yelled.

"Yeah, yeah, whatever grandpa." Dante said, running in and out of rooms, some women were changing in there causing them to slap Dante straight in the face, feeling the burns of a freshly manicured hand. Dante ran out into the lobby. He saw a group of people huddled together and heard some laughing. Dante pushed his way through some people, and saw his kid in the dessert cart, cake and chocolate was dripping from his hair. White cream stained his blue shirt, strawberry jam, coated his fingers and his pajama foots. His face was covered with some yellow lemon mix.

"Oh my God!" A man gasped.

"Who's child is this?!" A woman yelled.

"This is unacceptable!" A woman with a thick Russian accent yelled out, pointing her index finger up to the ceiling.

"_Kid, you're giving me more trouble than ever." _Dante thought. He went sneaking through the people as their backs were turned, and snatched the baby and ran back upstairs. The baby laughing as it was licking his fingers clean. He went back in the room, the women were continuing their breast feeding thing, Dante walked in nervously.

"Mr. Dante, what happened?"

"Heh, kid must've had a fetish for sweets..."

"Yes, I _see_." She said, crossing her arms across her chest. She looked a little angry.

Dante sat again down, looking at the women again, but this time, he kept the baby on him.

"Stop staring at us!"

"You pervert!"

"It's men like _you _who get _us _pregnant!"

"Get him ladies!" The women, all sat their babies down, Dante thought this wasn't going to end good. The woman all cornered him, and looked like cats as they seemed to have whipped out their nails like claws, their eyes looking like beady demon eyes. Dante gulped.

"Run kid! Save yourself!" Dante yelled as the woman pounced on him, kicking him, slapping him, punching him doing everything violent, which hurt our poor devil hunter really badly. The baby just stayed watching Dante get pulverized by the women. Laughing and clapping his hands together.

At the end of the day, Dante ran like hell from that parenting place, for a lot of reasons, mostly which he broke their toilet, the baby ruined their dessert carts and the people had a fit, Dante was accused of being a pervert. And was said never to go step foot on their grounds, or they'd release the dogs... Dante did go back on the ground to pick up something, then got chased home, baby in hand, by two rottweilers, their tongues lolling in the wind, teeth looking bare and sharp. As soon as Dante stopped, taking a few breaths of air, the dogs came and ripped out a piece of his pants, Dante felt red and hot as he ran, dog still attached to him. Yelling and screaming with a baby laughing in his arms, caused some people to stare. He decided to take a sharp turn in an alley, as he did, the dog, flew off, tearing another chunk of his pants, casing some skin to show, and underwear. Dante turned around, as soon as he did, behind him, there were... nuns. The nuns gasped and closed their eyes, Dante turned around and blushed furiously. He decided to run all the way to his shop. In the streets, a lot of people were wolf whistling at Dante, yelling and woo-hooing.

He entered Devil May Cry, skidding in, baby still in hand, Lady got startled and threw the magazine in the air.

"So, how was...." Lady started until she got a glimpse of Dante's backside. "...parenting class...?" she said slowly, desperately trying hard, not to laugh.

"It was good. I'm feeling a chill though."

"I can.... _see _that."

"Got chased home by two dogs."

"...."

"Oh, and accidentally showed the nuns my backside, which I know you're staring at, I'm sure the dog part covered most of what happened. Oh, and I went in the wrong class, it was labeled 'Beginners for Women'. I kinda knew something wrong the moment they started breast feeding. Well, I'm going to go change, I'm feeling a draft." Dante said, very calmly.

Lady kept wide eyed staring at him, then at the baby, the baby looked innocently up to her.

"Maybe I should pick the parenting class.." Lady said to herself and started searching the papers. She found one, which she thought was good. She labeled it with a pen and waited for Dante to come down.

* * *

**Author's Note: What parenting class is this? Hmm, more trouble for Dante? He still wants to meet chicks. Stay tuned on The Baby Files!**

**This chapter and the next chapter dedicated to DevilWriterN, enjoy girl! **

**As for the baby, he was wearing those small blue pj's, you know, those that have attacked socks. The kind that baby's wear. **

**Next Chapter: New Class, New mishaps, old news. **


	7. New class, new mishaps, old news

**The Baby Files.**

**Author's note: **_"And, I'm back with The Baby Files. Okay, the 'who this baby is' thing is coming soon! You must all be excited! BE EXCITED! NOT HERE TO DISCRIMINATE ANYONE!"_

**Enjoy!**

**Dedicated to: DevilWriterN.**

**(T)**

**~Silver.**

* * *

**Chapter 7**

**New class, new mishaps, old news.**

"Dante! I found a parenting class!" Lady yelled as she ran up the stairs.

"What?"

"I said, I've found a parenting class."

"You've found a hernia exam?" Dante said as he removed one of his headphone from his ears.

"I SAID I FOUND A PARENTING CLASS!" Lady yelled, making Dante jump up.

"Great, any women?" Dante asked, receiving a small hit on the head with the newspaper Lady was currently holding.

"Sicko." Lady said, she placed the newspaper on the bed and left, stomping down the stairs and out the doors of Devil May Cry. Dante went down, thinking he could apologize, then saw the baby had totally ripped up his sleeping pillow.

"Kid! I sleep on that pillow!"

The baby laughed and started to throw the feathers in the air.

"Yeah, yeah, it's a winter wonderland." Dante said sourly.

The baby laughed. Waving at Dante happily. Dante swooped him up and walked to the new parenting class. The building was a sky line type, it had lots of windows on one side, and the Colour of it was white, the sign was pink, it said 'Parenting Steps'.

_'Okay, this seems promising.' _Dante said, he took a deep breath and walked in baby in hand. He went to the clerks, who was a man in his twenties, he was the 'tall, dark and handsome type.' "Hey, dude, Name is Dante, my friend signed me up for this thing."

"Oh, of course, right this way Dante." He said in a happy voice.

_'Friendly guy'_ Dante thought. This time, he got his A game, he was going to get a women number, even if it was the last thing he would do! As soon as he entered the room, there were no woman, but men! Dante kept his mouth wide opened, losing all weight of the baby, almost dropping him. He snapped out of his shocked state and gripped the baby tightly before his head hit the cream colored floor.

The room was big, the smell was of men's cologne, the floor was cream colored, speckled with black spots. Windows were opposite each other, and men surrounded the area. Dante gulped and started to make his way through the room, gulping down some spit. He smelt the men's cologne, the baby didn't seem to enjoy being here either, Dante had to hold him tight so they wouldn't have another 'incident', men are more tougher than women, and he doesn't want to know what kind of dogs they have here neither!

Dante sat down, next to a couple of lanky men, one had brown hair and the other blond, he wished they were both women, Dante sighed, the baby still wanted to squirm out of his grasp, but it was all in vain as Dante kept tightening his grip. "Kid, stop squirming!" Dante hissed to the baby.

"Now, fathers. I am Mr. Gregory, I am saying this, 'cause we have a new student, please give him some claps, oh please stand up Dante!" He said in a high pitched voice, which almost made Dante laugh out loud.

Dante got up, and got some strange look from a couple of men at the back, almost as if they were checking him out and winking at their nearby buddies. Dante shrugged it off, the baby continued to squirm and struggle.

"Well, then, sit down, Do any of you have difficulties you want to share?" The man said, flailing his arms.

Dante raised his hand slowly, again, the men at the back were now, giggling silently.

He just cocked an eyebrow at them both, why where they acting like that?

"Yes, Dante."

"Feeding, changing and putting up with... stop struggling!" Dante said as he was keeping the baby in place.

"Okay!" The man said and started explaining.

As soon as the 'lesson' was over, the man told him exactly what the old woman told him and he still can't get it! "This was a big waste of time kid!" He said to the baby. Who just seemed, to have given him a death glare. "Stop looking at me like that squirt."

"Hey, Dante" A man said to him. "Name is Mark, I have to say, I _love _your patience with the child. You are a great father."

"Yeah, I just scream perfection..." He said dully.

"Well, Dante.. you are a great man." Mark told him.

"Thanks. You too.." Dante said, "Nice guy..." He said to the kid when Mark left.

"Hey Dante, I'm Sam, you are one strong man." Sam said as he placed a hand on his muscle.

"Thanks, I work out."

"It shows." He said and left.

"Dante, hello, my name is Francis. I simply love your hair, it is stylish!"

"Thanks! Yeah, I use head and shoulders. Great shampoo!"

"I know!" Francis said.

"Dante, hello. My name is Neko, I simple love you, How's about you come over to my house on Saturday night?" Dante looked at him, then Neko came and whispered in his ear. Dante got wide eyed, he grabbed the baby and ran out there, knocking out every teacher, landed in the dessert cart after slipping on a banana peel, which caused them and the baby to be covered in icing. He grabbed the baby and ran home.

"Lady will pay for this!" He said screaming in the wind.

At Devil May Cry, Lady was waiting for Dante, who seemed to be urgent on the phone, she had just finished posting up the flyers. Wonder what Dante could want?

The doors of Devil May Cry swung open, Dante stood there, baby in hand, looking angry.

"What's wrong with you?"

"What?! You ask what!?" He yelled, putting the baby carefully down on the couch. He went in front of Lady and started yelling. "That class was for GAY men! WHY DID YOU DO THAT! I GOT HIT ON!"

"I'm sorry! It didn't say!"

"geez Lady! You say I'm bad!"

"You are bad! You went in a class for beginner mums! You are not a mother!"

"Shut up! Again! I didn't see the sign!"

"Fine, look, I posted up a new set of flyers, it was easy without junior there."

"Leon!"

"What?"

"I named him Leon, I don't know, I panicked when the teacher asked for his name." Dante said.

"Whatever, they're up everywhere in the city, it would take a blind man to not see them."

"Great! Now what?" Dante asked.

"Now.... we wait."

Dante groaned, waiting was not his favorite game, as he always lost, he didn't have the patience or sanity.

Dante sat down on his chair and read a magazine while he waited....

* * *

**A/N: MWHAAHA, DIE DANTE!**

**Remember, not here to discriminate anyone, enjoy this chapter.**

**Next Chapter: Mystery almost un fogged.... almost...**

**~Silver**


	8. Mystery almost unfogged almost

**The Baby Files.**

**A/N: **_"And, I'm back for another exploding update ^^, as for everyone, everyone is curios to see who this baby is, it shall be revealed in THE NEXT CHAPPTER!!!! ;D" _

_Dedication: NO one,_

**~Silver.**

* * *

**Chapter 8**

**Mystery almost unfogged... almost..**

It had been three weeks, no one had called for a missing baby, since then, the baby stayed under the care of Dante, Lady always runs off and leaved him with the little monster. Dante always seemed to get in trouble when taking care of the kid, they didn't want to give him a permanent name since it's not their kid, otherwise, the kid will have some confusion in his life.

"What if no one saw them?" Dante asked Lady.

"I pasted them everywhere! It would take a moron not to notice them!"

"I didn't see any!"

"My point exactly."

"Well, what if his parents went on vacation."

"Oh yes, they decided to search for a baby in Malibu." Lady said sarcastically.

"Well, what if they were to sad and didn't come out the house?"

"They could've still called up the police station and report a missing child, at the same time they should be looking."

"What if-" Dante started.

"No! No more 'what ifs', I'm sure someone will call!"

"It's been three weeks! And with the wind that's been going on, I'm not sure those flyers have the ability to stick there!" Dante yelled, Lady just gave him a look that could make a man run around screaming for his mommy. Sadly for Dante, all his family is dead.

"It just dawned me."

"What? Dump off the kid to some other loser?" Dante asked Lady.

"No, like it actually hit me." Lady said, "Come with me, and get junior."

"Leon..."

"Whatever!"

Dante grabbed the baby, gently in his hands and followed Lady, they closed up the shop good so no muggers would get in and pawn all their weapons for drugs or money. "Lady, where are we going?" Dante asked as he followed Lady onto the city bus.

"You'll see..."

Lady and Dante both sat in the front with a squirming child, Lady sighed as it tried to go on her lap too, she just pushed him back to Dante, who tightened his grip, which now, made the baby bite him.

"Ow! This kid got some choppers!"

"Dante ssh."

The bus started to got deeper and deeper in the city, Dante was still curios to know where the hell they're going, but Lady wouldn't say a thing about this place. As soon as the bus stopped, when they walked down the metal steps. Dante and Lady found themselves in an 'up and coming' neighborhood.

"Follow me." Lady said and started to walk forward down the sunset roads.

Dante kept following Lady, he looked round and saw a rat the size of Texas, scurrying down the road, then getting brutally squashed by a car. Dante gulped down.

The building they stopped, was old, the wall's paint was almost peeling off, the door had scratches as if made by some big rat. The windows are partially broken, and the sign was dangling of a wire. Lady knocked on the door, and it opened on it's own. Dante looked at Lady, then at the kid.

"Who disturbs us?" said a man with a blue cloak on him.

"It's me, Lady."

"Of course, what do you require?"

Lady went to Dante, they had a small tug of war over the baby, Lady won. "This child, was left, on my friends doorstep, we don't know who it belongs to. I was hoping you would tell us."

"A child? That is all you want us to inspect? A child?" A man said, a group of men, with the same cloak all huddled up.

"Yes."

"This is a waste of time! Leave!" A man with a scary voice said.

"This is.... interesting. Our powers can be tested again, bring him forward."

Lady went and placed the baby on the alter, the man started chanting out, the other's joined too.

"This child is..."

* * *

**A/N: I know, DUN DUN DUN! **

**Okay, I know this isn't funny, but meh, we got to move on. **

**XD, it'll get funny later, I promise. At least I hope. **

**Thanks Ye.**

**~Silver.**


	9. Unmask the masked

**The Baby Files.**

**A/N; **_"DevilWriterN THIS is the moment you have been waiting for. In this chapter, we see who this baby is. On a negative side it is coming to an end, but don't worry, maybe... something will happen you know what... just read ^^" _

**~Silver**

* * *

**Chapter 9**

**Unmask the masked.**

As the anticipation grew rapidly, it was the moment, to finally find out who the hell this kid belonged to.

"....This baby... is your brother...." One of the cult members said.

"He is my what?"

"Your brother? His name is..."

"V-" Dante started, but his lip quivered.

"Vergil" Said on of the cult members. "Is he not happy? Why is he standing like that.. why is he suddenly leaning... oh... he fainted."

"Dante..." Lady said, she knew the news may have taken a strong turn on him....

"Should we get an ice pack?" Said one cult member.

"No, no, I'm sure he shall back on his knees, not the first time he fainted." said another cult member, all of the other cult members looked at him.

"What?!"

"How did you know that."

"I was tinkering with the looking glass... I was bored!"

"Is he okay Lady?" Said the head.

"Yeah, it was just so.... shocking."

When Dante's eyes reopened, he was back in Devil May Cry, the room was blurred and spinning, along with the wooden fan that went slowly by, it made Dante sick. He lifted up his head and checked around, no baby in sight and Lady wasn't in the room. Could that have been all a dream?

"Dante... Are you okay..?" Lady asked with the baby in hand.

...Crap...

"So, let me get this straight. I've been taking care of my brother?! Temen- ni- gru Vergil?! Why you little...." Dante arose up, wanting to take a swing at baby Vergil, Lady stood to the left which sent Dante flying on the floor.

"Dante, look, I know, that news.. was a little bit shocking."

"A bit?! A bit would be if it was you! Not the person, who was my family and whom I seen falling off a freakin tower, and it wasn't short neither! The thing was tall! I bet it could reach the heavens!" Dante started yelling.

"Dante.. think of this as an opportunity..."

"An opportunity to what?!"

"For you and Vergil to get closer..?"

"Yeah, right. Like that'll happen. Can we change him back though?"

"Yeah, the cultist said we can... we just have to go to the falling of the tower, and put him in the Divinity Statue."

"Yeah! Shove him in there!"

"....Maybe I should put him in there." Lady said, looking at the grin on Dante's face.

* * *

**A/N: Haha! Are ya satisfied N? **

**And... Zenbon Zakura. How did you know it was Vergil?! THAT WAS CREEPY! XD.**

**Anyway, story soon coming to an end with a surprise in the end.**

**Next Chapter: Welcome back, I baked you a pie.**

**~Silver**


	10. Revenge Rocks!

**The Baby Files.**

**A/N: (blows Nose) Waa, I am so saad, it is coming to an end! TT.**

**Ah well, enjoy.**

**~Silver**

* * *

**Chapter 10**

**Revenge Rocks!**

It worked out in the end, Vergil got back and Lady had to hold Dante down so he wouldn't strangle his brother, it wasn't easy either!

"Why are you so mad brother?" Vergil asked.

"You put me through hell!"

"That was the extent of Temen-ni-gru yes..."

"Get over here and get a hug from your little brother." Dante growled under his breath.

"I'd rather not, you smell like you've been through a cow and went out the other end."

Dante growled under his breath, the temptation to kill Vergil was as sweet as alcohol, if he could just get a little closer...

Back in Devil May Cry, Dante went up to the spare room which now Vergil occupied. Vergil turned his gaze to his brother. "Yes?"

"Here bro, I baked you a pie."

"How...sweet?" Vergil tasted the pie, it was surprisingly delicious. "What is in it?"

"Mom's old recipe." Dante said he walked out and sat in his usual position, one foot on the other on his desk, then stared at the 20 empty baby food bottles and laughed evilly.

Revenge rocks!

* * *

**A/N: Haha, poor Vergil.... **

**XD, thanks for reading and reviewing but wait there is one last chapter...**

**~Silver**


	11. Epilogue

**The Baby Files.**

**A/N: I don't go down easy do I? XD**

**Enjoy guys ^^**

**~Silver.**

* * *

**Epilogue.**

Nero had just bought his new house in the depths of Fortuna, he is just about to continue the pieces of his story. Step 1 was complete.

Step 2: As Kyrie Out.

He was smiling at the memory of those peach lips, until a knock came at the door. He opened it and found a......

...Baby on his own, in a basket....

* * *

**A/N:**

**Okay, this is a long one so listen up.**

**Sorry N, since, yeah, I didn't get a chance to explain who this cult is, but if you want this sequel, there shall be info about them,**

**This sequel involves a new character... FINALLY right?**

**Nero, it hit me while I was in the shower.**

**XD weird ha?**

**This baby could be anyone! In the DMC, SH, RE, OR.. FF world, so be careful... who knows, the answer might be that easy too? ;)**

**Anyway in this sequel I already made some notes, all of them involved destruction and police men, the babies I put in here are super XD, Some of them are funny, but if you don't want it, I can just easily delete them, by the way, in the next one, there shall be an OC briefly mentioned though, since again it's all about Nero, I wonder what this baby will do to him?**

**Anyway, See ya next time readers! **

**REMEMBER REVIEW OR SEND A MESSAGE I WANT TO KNOW IF THIS IDEA IS HAPPENING, WHILE I AM EXCITED I DONT WANT TO BORE YOU SO REMEMBER! TELL ME!!!**

**~Silver**


End file.
